NEW compression method: FUDGEpAQ!

[Math Mahoney]

Yes I am proud to finally come out of the closet and release my greatest algorithm I've kept secret for all this time! It is called FUDGEpaQ because I have been packing it privately since Jan of 2001! It is RECURSIVE and yields near infinite compression. Here is how you use it: You pull out your bits, then play with your pik, give it a good free ARC, and then zip it up when you're done. You have to have BALZ to do this, especially if you do it 7 times and need 7 zips, but I'm sure you will manage and enjoy it since it uses a quasi-moonbeam hyper space hermetic cyberdyne form of mathematics not known to the compression community that would make even Malcom Taylor say damn. It is strong, too! RAR! It's sharp like a RAZOR, but when the probabilities are not statistically correct, the pik format becomes soft like a BUTTERKNIFE. It is able to compress everything down to 2 bits, since everyone knows that compressing down to 1 bit is impossible. Therefore, this is a 2 bit method for a 2 bit compression algorithm, but don't let that fool you. It's practically illegal how well this works. In fact, if it were any more illegal, it'd be Google trying to patent people's free works while holding it for rANSome. There, I said it. It's that good, but then again, so am I! *sheepish grin*

Now, you may be wondering how well it compresses hard to compress things like 7zip files, RAR files, and text files. Well, let me tell you buddy, it has a hard time with text files because those are practically random...it's not like there are any patterns or a known language to go on there...but 7z and RAR it compresses to less than 5%! Shannon was a lightweight and had his "limits" for theoretical numbers and stuff, but fortunately for me, with a can of redbull, a good bike ride, and a smug picture in front of the mountains, I'm plenty good to pack the fudge all night long with FUDGEpAQ!

Here is the basic algorithm:

First, divide by 2 (biches love it when you divide by 2)
Next, Add a decimal point (it makes it feel more complex and arithmeticy)
Third, place your finger on the screen and go "ah HA!" (I'm not sure why this works yet, but I've asked Shelwein to explain it to me)
Fourth, invest with Zeosync. You may feel like it's a waste of money now, but I assure you it's a worthwhile investment like Enron because Zeosync sees what everyone doesn't.
Fifth, remember that data doesn't always return the way it was given. If you overlook that slight little thing, you'll be able to get DATAFILES/16 to work!
Sixth, be aware that Mark Nelson, Ian Witten, Charles Bloom, James Storer, and Donald Trump are working on a compression algorithm that proves Kavanaugh's innocence while beating the 1 Million Random Digit Challenge. Bill Cosby will be the spokesperson from jail doing jello-face impressions to redeem himself, and Dr. Evil has agreed to finance it because he likes the number 1 million.
Seventh, put together a test file for ridiculously long and impractical paq statistics and files, wait days or years for it to compress a file that RAR and 7z are able to compress faster than a pizza can be delivered, and then wonder why it is 1 byte more than the original file size. Get outraged at the file for not compressing itself, and decide to arbitrarily delete the extra byte and call it a lossy format.
Seventh, enjoy the pizza.
Eighth, look for any errors on this line. CRC check if you need to.
And finally 10th, understand that my math is perfect and I have defeated the counting theorem because I am the great Math Mahoney!

And remember to clean up after you're done paq'ing the fudge, because next time you'll be using a filter if you come over to get the best results.

There you have it. That's all there is to the new paq9ghgfkldghREROgogdde4ZXspectrum2600FUDGE0p1any algorithm. Short and easy to remember acronym for your convenience. It's unfortunately not backwards compatible with anything else, not even sane or rational algorithms that use pesky things like logic, but if you start to use a zoo format, well anything goes then. It's pretty wild.

(I was going to mention other things as well, but started to get LHAzy)

If you have any questions, feel free to ask me and I'll respond in a non-condescending manner. And while you're at it, you better thank me for this post or I'll have Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus do the impossible next and say or do things that are of importance! I mean it! This could get serious lol

Have a great day, and (on an almost serious note), try to have a little fun today. There are times that trying to do a new thing can get depressing when it doesn't quite work out to be better or is equal to the results of other things.

On an entirely serious note (and my terrible humor aside), there are things out there left to be discovered, and with any luck and good fortune, the members here individually or collectively will be the ones to find it.

Until then, keep on truckin and paq'in!

Your friend,
MATH!

[xinix]

[Piotr Tarsa]

Well, I LOL'd at first so the humour worked

[JamesWasil]

LOL, this post came up when I was searching for something about the 1 million random digit challenge, and I nearly spit out my drink!

Now, I'm hungry for pizza, but wondering why they didn't mention anything lewd about deflate or implode with pkzip? lol

[Samantha]

Hey Math, you know that the high altitude in the mountains can bring high-grade ventricular arrhythmias with neuro-cerebral decompensation, leading to psychosis with the loss of contact with reality.

[SvenBent]

This is is like the ending of show that goes over all the highlights of if runs. lol